In pharmacology all drugs have generic names. Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.
Other names considered were:
Mycoxafloppin,
Mydixadrupin,
Mycoxnoworkin and
Mydixarizen.
Top ten Slogans being considered by Viagra:
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs
May you always have an angel by your side
Watching out for you in all things you do
Reminding you to keep believing in brighter days
Finding ways for wishes and dreams
to take you to beautiful places
Giving you hope that is as certain as the sun
Giving you the strength of serenity as your guide
May you always have love and comfort and courage
And May you always have an angel by your side
May you always have an angel by your side
Someone there to catch you if you fall
Encouraging your dreams
Inspiring your happiness
Holding your hand and helping you through it all
In all of our days, our lives are always changing
Tears come along as well as smiles
Along the roads you travel,
May the miles be a thousand more times loveley than lonely
May they give you the kind of gifts that never, ever end:
Someone wonderful to love
and a dear friend in whom you can confide
May you have rainbows after every storm
May you have hopes to keep you warm
Scientists have tried to answer the question, "Does Santa come with flying reindeer to deliver presents at Christmas?" This is what they have found:
No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organims yet to be classified. Although most of these are insects and bacteria, this does not rule out flying reindeer.
According to the Population Refeence Bureau, 378 million people celebrate Christmas worldwide. With an average of 3.5 children per home, that's 91.8 million homes for Santa to visit.
Thanks to different time zones, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That means for each celebrating household with at least one good child in it, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, place presents under the tree, eat the cookies and return to the sleigh.
Assuming that all 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed throughout the earth, the total trip time will be 75.5 million miles. That means Santa's sleigh must move at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (the Ulysses space probe) moves at 27.4 miles per second.
Assuming that each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (weighing 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a payload of 321,300 tons, not counting jolly ol' Saint Nick himself.
A standard reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even if flying reindeer might pull 10 times more than a normal reindeer, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer to pull the sleigh. The reindeer, payload, Santa and sleigh would therefore weigh more than 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the Q.E. II cruise ship.
This 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates tremendous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would therefore absorb 14.3 quintillion joule of energy, per second, each.
The lead reindeer, as a result will burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating massive sonic booms in their wakes. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds. Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. Assuming that Santa weighs 250 pounds, he would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of centrifugal force.
MONDAYS:
8:00 - “Everybody Loves To Hate Osama”
8:30 - “The King Of Goats”
9:00 - “Allah McBeal”
9:30 - “Crossing Jordan (to get the hell out of Afghanistan)”
10:00 - “NFL Monday Night Camel Tipping”
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 - “The Price is Right If Osama Says It’s Right”
9:00 - “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 - “Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 - “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - “Taliban Squares”
8:30 - “Dark Angel of Death”
9:00 - “The O.J. Simpsons”
9:30 - “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 - “Who Wants To Marry A Nerf Herder”
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - “Survivor: Afghanistan”
8:30 - “Whose AK47 Is It Anyway?”
9:00 - “Friends: The One About Camels, Goats, & Sheep”
9:30 - “West Wing Nuts”
10:00 - “Taliban Law & Disorder”
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - “Judge Osama”
8:30 - “The Goat Connection”
9:00 - “Afghanistan's Least Wanted”
9:30 - “Achmed’s Creek”
10:00 - “No-witness News”
10:30 - "Late Night with Muhammad Muhammad"
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?
"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native languagethey use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the
heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says,
"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
IN PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON
You get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
IN PRISON
You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK
You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
IN PRISON
A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK
You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON
You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON
You get your own toilet.
AT WORK
You have to share.
IN PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
You can not even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
IN PRISON
You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
Dear Billy joe Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
